No Trump This Time

*****

My life is dedicated to attempting to understand the cause and process of various things that happen across the world, and I try to understand them without any pre or post conceived judgements on the subject. It is an attempt to understand the ‘other side of the story’. To expand the greys between the black and white... to look at something or someone, and understand where that thought or idea comes from. Good, bad or ugly – it never matters how the idea is. All I need to do is understand it. Look at the world from another perspective.

Living this life is not easy. It is a curse.

Why? Because when you train yourself for the process, you learn to understand every side of the argument, however brutal.  And some ideas can be brutal. They can be destructive. But, for the benefit of my study, I cannot pursue the subject with that prejudice. Yet, I do not justify any of my subjects, I do not speak for them. Justification has an inherent judgement constructed into the word itself. One justifies what one considers correct. I only try to understand. And in every step of that process, I am aware of the consequences of the actions of all my subjects.

*****

We were lying naked. It was intimate. Perhaps, intimate enough to breach the topic that things were not the best between the two of us. In that candid moment, you agreed. In a fraction of a thought, we had decided to split, acting on months of subdued thoughts. We had tried to make it work out. I think you agree today that I tried more than you. But you did try. You tried pretty hard to make it work.

*****

 “You don’t understand what I go through”, she screamed loud enough to shake us all. “To love someone who does not love you back enough, it is painful. It is suffocating. Yet, I cannot leave him, because I love him. It has driven me to a point where I feel like I have no self-respect anymore. It has carved me from the inside. You don’t know what that feels like”, she screamed her guts out.

I don’t. I can’t understand what you are going through. I was dumped just as we were about to have sex. I felt so unwanted and yet I lay there naked. I have no self-respect. I should have just left, but going back to an empty bed and crying out loud in the lonely hollowness made less sense than the last hug. I have no self-respect.

*****

A few months back, we started fooling around again. We were just having “fun”. It was mutual and consensual. I thought that we both had made mistakes in the past and we had matured enough to correct them. I also thought that you had begun to appreciate me better. For almost a month, we had a great time together.

And then again, in just one moment, you called it off again. You needed time. I understand that. You needed the time, but of course, you stressed that I should not be hopeful.

I understood that too. But, was I just supposed to accept it? Maybe. Just wait, to never have you ever. But wait, yes. But you never asked me to wait. How could you? You are too nice. You wanted me to move on. Not linger.

Only if it was so easy to move on. Like, you could dictate even that to me.

*****

I attempt to understand everything. Everything, without any pre or post conceived judgement.

I understand that you cannot compel someone to feel in any particular way. I am trying to understand that people can change in a moment. I am trying to understand why singular elements decide for the many. How you can decide for us? Why I don’t matter anymore? I am trying to understand “the heart wants what it wants”.

You thought loneliness brought us back together. I had agreed. Had loneliness kept us together all along? Were we building false hopes? Were you building false hopes for me? Was I reading too much into it? I am trying to understand.

I brought it all on myself. I understand that too.

****

I don’t drink tea, but there is a jar of tea leaves and sugar kept outside on my kitchen shelf. I don’t use telegram but I have the app on my phone. There is a cup made up of a bamboo on my table. It leaks but I have it. I never really cared about saving water, but I close the faucet when I am brushing.

Yes, I am supposed to move on. Like, you could dictate even that to me.

*****

WHEN TRUMP BROKE A RELATIONSHIP

Dear Snobster,

I know that you know a thing or two (actually three, if I am not mistaken) about people who pretend to love someone. These are the same people who lure little pricks into believing that they mean every word they say. That the relationship is worth it, and stuff like that. You know what I mean...

Well, congratulations! You can now add a fourth person to that list.

The specimen being discussed here is such a kind hearted soul. So kind hearted that he could make a break-up appear like the perfectly softened ice cream. You want to have such break-ups. They make you all warm and fuzzy on the inside. Ah! such a comforting human. It takes quite the skill to linger with another human, sleep with him, do your usual shit, but secretly knowing all along that you do not really mean it all. Maybe, I was wrong. I saw the signs. They were there. I might have even confronted them. But then, I have a damaged mind, that tends to overthink all the time, and he was more than willing to convince me that I am overthinking it all. He told me that I should relax. Not make a "drama" of it all. So I decided that, yes, I am a deranged human, and put a lid on the thoughts.

But poor poor poor him!

He had to still endure my presence. He tried. He tried as hard as he could. Had it been some other person in my stead, I am sure he would have tried harder. You know... like someone who is a little high flying, a bit fancy. Poor him, to be stuck with this portly, ugly person, whose life is marred by financial woes and first world issues. It's not like he was not used to such things. It's just that with everyone else, it came "naturally". I mean, I get it. The heart wants what it wants, and thus does not want what it does not want. Cannot compel anyone into anything, now, can we! I forgive him. We are supposedly friends now. Also, we were supposedly friends all along. But whatevs... I get it.

So, finally when he could not pretend anymore... When it started taking a toll, he called quits. Oh, wait! he didn't. I fingered it out of him. Like the pokey, pesky pixie I am. And so it ended.

So, why am I writing about all this to you?

Because you have the uncanny wit and wisdom to understand such things. Because friends like you reinforce little thoughts till it manifests into a gigantic tsunami. And you study media. You know very well how small things connect to have larger ramifications. How the beating of a butterfly's wings can cause a storm. How some silly rants can develop into deep-seated thoughts when left to grow unchecked.

I never asked to be one of the characters in your unnecessary rantings, but you made a spectacle of me anyway. I know, I know. It was all in good humour and you were being like those mean girls or whatever humans having an IQ below 40 watch on the telly... but I don't care. Because, more than anything, you know exactly how it feels like to be played. Yes, he did not cheat on me wth another person, but he did cheat on my feelings. And you know what that feels like. To be dragged on a ride where you are fairly convinced that the destination is your favourite ice cream parlour, but you end up in a deserted forest. Alone.

Heck! Why did he even start the ride? Or maybe, the smarter thing would have been to drop me off at the nearest bus stop, I could have still gone back. But now, I am waiting in the middle of the woods, hoping to run into someone to hitchhike my way back.

So now I have a request to make of you. This shining beacon of justice and sass that you are, I hope you will make a funny, sassy blog post about the viciously vindictive ex-boyfriend who is lashing out after the split. You will thrive on the drama because you have so little of it in your life. I was told that I have too much. So here I am, sharing some with you.

Let us be mean girls together!

Much love,

The person who thought that Trump was good for India.

xoxo