*****
My life is dedicated to attempting to understand the cause and process of various things that happen across the world, and I try to understand them without any pre or post conceived judgements on the subject. It is an attempt to understand the ‘other side of the story’. To expand the greys between the black and white... to look at something or someone, and understand where that thought or idea comes from. Good, bad or ugly – it never matters how the idea is. All I need to do is understand it. Look at the world from another perspective.
Living this life is not easy. It is a curse.
Why? Because when you train yourself for the process, you learn to understand every side of the argument, however brutal. And some ideas can be brutal. They can be destructive. But, for the benefit of my study, I cannot pursue the subject with that prejudice. Yet, I do not justify any of my subjects, I do not speak for them. Justification has an inherent judgement constructed into the word itself. One justifies what one considers correct. I only try to understand. And in every step of that process, I am aware of the consequences of the actions of all my subjects.
*****
We were lying naked. It was intimate. Perhaps, intimate enough to breach the topic that things were not the best between the two of us. In that candid moment, you agreed. In a fraction of a thought, we had decided to split, acting on months of subdued thoughts. We had tried to make it work out. I think you agree today that I tried more than you. But you did try. You tried pretty hard to make it work.
*****
“You don’t understand what I go through”, she screamed loud enough to shake us all. “To love someone who does not love you back enough, it is painful. It is suffocating. Yet, I cannot leave him, because I love him. It has driven me to a point where I feel like I have no self-respect anymore. It has carved me from the inside. You don’t know what that feels like”, she screamed her guts out.
I don’t. I can’t understand what you are going through. I was dumped just as we were about to have sex. I felt so unwanted and yet I lay there naked. I have no self-respect. I should have just left, but going back to an empty bed and crying out loud in the lonely hollowness made less sense than the last hug. I have no self-respect.
*****
A few months back, we started fooling around again. We were just having “fun”. It was mutual and consensual. I thought that we both had made mistakes in the past and we had matured enough to correct them. I also thought that you had begun to appreciate me better. For almost a month, we had a great time together.
And then again, in just one moment, you called it off again. You needed time. I understand that. You needed the time, but of course, you stressed that I should not be hopeful.
I understood that too. But, was I just supposed to accept it? Maybe. Just wait, to never have you ever. But wait, yes. But you never asked me to wait. How could you? You are too nice. You wanted me to move on. Not linger.
Only if it was so easy to move on. Like, you could dictate even that to me.
*****
I attempt to understand everything. Everything, without any pre or post conceived judgement.
I understand that you cannot compel someone to feel in any particular way. I am trying to understand that people can change in a moment. I am trying to understand why singular elements decide for the many. How you can decide for us? Why I don’t matter anymore? I am trying to understand “the heart wants what it wants”.
You thought loneliness brought us back together. I had agreed. Had loneliness kept us together all along? Were we building false hopes? Were you building false hopes for me? Was I reading too much into it? I am trying to understand.
I brought it all on myself. I understand that too.
****
I don’t drink tea, but there is a jar of tea leaves and sugar kept outside on my kitchen shelf. I don’t use telegram but I have the app on my phone. There is a cup made up of a bamboo on my table. It leaks but I have it. I never really cared about saving water, but I close the faucet when I am brushing.
Yes, I am supposed to move on. Like, you could dictate even that to me.
*****
