SOME THINGS YOU CAN THINK ABOUT DOING IN FRANCE… BUT YOU WON’T

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If you have ever done content writing in your life you would know that it is nothing like it sounds. Not only is it an enormous waste of time and energy that could have been well spent lying around perhaps snoring, but it also kills creativity after a point! Nonetheless, there are always some moments that make up for all the time you spend writing those pedestrian and tasteless articles.

Now, it’s been very long since I left this business of content writing, but a call from a friend of mine this afternoon made me a take a detour from my otherwise lazy afternoon that would have been spent playing a computer game. Since my friend was busy, I agreed to help him out by writing two pieces for him. The topic of one of the article was “Top 10 things one can do in Paris” and I was asked to write an original article of 500 plus words.

It is very difficult for me to write on such a topic, because my experience with Paris is only limited to the Plaster of Paris cast that I had to wear when I fractured my right leg! So I had to depend on the Internet for my research and I wondered how could I ever write anything original by referring to already existing articles!

In spite of that obstacle, I did manage to churn out a mammoth piece of 1374 words! But it gave me an idea of some of the things I would love to do… or rather I want to but would not! So here they are:

#1

Get drunk on French Red Wine, White Wine and Champagne and when I say drunk I mean drunk as a pig so you end up puking all over the lovely place called Paris. Now, this is a situation that I am quite familiar with, as I got sloshed on red wine once and ended up waking up next morning without any memory and looking like a body stabbed brutally, thanks to all the red colored puke that stained my shirt blood red! So folks… bring forth your favorite Bordeaux!

#2

Go to a French man say “blaa blaa bleu bleu blaa.” If you have seen Friends, you will remember Joey trying to learn French from Phoebe. And however hard she tried, she could never get him to say “Je m’appelle.” Whatever he said sounded like a dentate gibberish like some oldies sound when they have lost their dentures! And although I have studied French for a year, I have to say that it still sounds like an eloquent whisper to me!

#3

While going through my research I found out that the Great Notre Dame de Paris Cathedral has got 9 bells in it and they all have names!!! NAMES!! SERIOUSLY!!! I was reminded of Enrique singing, “Ring my bells... Ring my bells” which always sounds hilarious if you ask me! Imagine the same thing in Hindi… a guy comes up and says “Mera Ghanta Bhajao!!!” Thanks to the French, I now wanna go to Paris and Ring the bells of Emanuel, Gabriel, Denis, Marcel, Benoit-Joseph and Maurice… or rather ring the men themselves! The remaining names being names of girls – Marie, Anne Genevieve, Etienne and Jean-Marie, which makes my wonder. “why female bells??”

***ooohh! Let me apologize right now for hurting any so called religious sentiments by ringing some man bells! ***

#4

Visit one of the many art galleries in Paris and attend lectures by artists and shout “Oui Oui” (Oui : Yes in Fench) after every word spoken by the artist. For some obscure reason, I could never understand how to pronounce that one word! Is it supposed to be: W-aa… or is it: W-ee? Either way, if you say it loud in the Desi-English accent, it will either sounding as if you are yapping like a crow or you are squealing like a drunk kid!

#5

And I love this one… More than often, I have found myself drawing moustaches on pictures of celebrities published in the newspaper. What could be more horrifying and equally impish… and oh so delightful to the devil… if I could go and draw a nice pair of handle-bar moustache on the most famous portrait of all times… The Mona Lisa! Or since she is protected behind a few inch of bulletproof glass, I will just draw it over the glass with a nice thick, black marker!

#6

And this one is rather distasteful… How about skydiving off the most visited monument in the world – the Eiffel Tower! Now I am wondering what are the chances of the parachute getting entangled in the iron framework, leaving me dangling in the air?

#7

The French are highly polite and gentle souls and they are so adorable when they get angry! All red in face blasting off abuses that would still sound like whispers! So I  amwondering, would it still be funny if I go watch Pink Panther in Paris with a crowd of French people? I can certainly try saying “I waouuuld laaike twa bwawoy a hambwahwah,” (I would like to buy a hamburger, for those who did not understand) and who knows? I might actually be successful to buy a hamburger while in Paris!

All this… I will think of doing if I ever get to Paris… because as the great actor Steve Martin once said… “Fwance is Fwance!” And because I love it when French pronounce Paris is Parie!

Vive La Français!