THE STORY OF “THAT” WHITE SHIRT

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This is not a piece of literature! This is a piece of me venting out all my frustration! So bear with me!

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Tell me about shopping!

Because I can’t!

Well. At least, not any more!

Now, don’t get me all wrong here. If you think I am that typical guy who hates shopping and has no patience when all the women in my life go to malls and I stand cribbing in one corner… Hold your nails right there! That is my Dad! And although I might look like him… I am more like my Mother!!!

Thanks to the demi-aristocratic society that surrounds me, and where everyone thinks they will be in page three, shopping was an essential part of growing up… with all the parties and blah blah blah!

But today was beyond limits!!

Well, all thanks to my lovely Dad who wanted “THAT” one white shirt… Now, what do you mean by “THAT” white shirt? Well, for a man who hates shopping from the core of his heart, my father turns out to be a shop attendant’s nightmare by being a bit too particular about what he wants! First, he does not come with my mother and me to the mall and then he gives us more than elaborate instruction of what he needs. Which is: “THAT” one white shirt which he liked “THAT” time.

Yea Dad!! You are the Miranda Priestly and I am Andrea!!!

(For those who did not understand the last line, it was a reference to the movie The Devil Wears Prada)

So, Mommy and me hit off to search for “THAT” white shirt… which we found after exactly after 3 hours and 45 minutes of rampaging through every shop over three floors!

So what was “THAT” white shirt?

It turned out to be a double ply thread woven cotton shirt with single cuff link. And in “snow white” colour!

SNOW WHITE!!

SERIOUSLY!!!

If we did not have enough problems in this world already, the companies have actually managed to invent 28 different shades of white!!! I mean, how much different can white be!!!!

And for all those hopeless shop-o-philes, if you want “THAT” white shirt go visit Zodiac! They have walls full of all types of white. And while you are at it, also please nominate them for the Nobel Peace Prize for contributing to so much of world peace with all that white!!!!

And if that shirt was not enough, has the entire world gone mad? Is a shopping mall the only place left in the city to hang out? What’s with all that crowd!!! If we were at war and there was a bomb shelter, even that would draw less people. First, you have the hassle of security at the gate and thanks to the throngs of people who drop in for touching everything in a mall… it takes ages to get in! And once you are in, it takes ages to find your way through the circus!!

People! Go get a life! Go read books and visit museums! Or sit by the Ganges! There are places outside the glass façade of a mall! Go there!!! I hate this lot for whom a city is nothing but a bunch of malls!! You live in Kolkata… a city that has so much of history and heritage… and all you want to see is a mall? SERIOUSLY!!! 

And if that were not all, God help you if you decided to go to buy groceries! With this being the first Saturday of the month, and so close to the payday, every one buys stuff as if food will no longer be sold for the next few years!

I saw this man pushing three shopping-carts full of edibles! Now, either he was hosting a marriage party or he was one of those hoarders we keep hearing about in the news... Amidst all the traffic jam of shopping-carts and the fight for the last remaining packet of Tortillas, I finally managed to reach the billing counter only to be dissuaded again by the never-ending queue… And I mean it quite literally. Because by the time, you reach the counter, you become best buddies with the person standing behind you (in my case a lovely French lady who was equally flustered with all this commotion!)

And what is with me and the French??!!! Why is it that wherever I go, I find French people!! Why can’t they be British or Dutch or Japanese!!! Or Chinese!! There are over a billion Chinese in this Earth and I never manage to run into even one. With all the French I find it so hard to keep a straight face while they talk. And of course I don’t laugh ‘coz I don’t want them to feel bad!!!

And if that was not all, the family of the Commissioner of Police decided to drop in to the mall too, resulting in humongous police presence outside the mall, which scared all the taxi drivers like sh** and they refused to stop and take passengers!

And finally, when you do get home after the exhausting 7 long hours of the hounding experience, dear Daddy says, “He could have got 4 better white shirts for the price of “THAT” one white shirt!”

Yes, I am angry! Very very Angry!

SOME THINGS YOU CAN THINK ABOUT DOING IN FRANCE… BUT YOU WON’T

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If you have ever done content writing in your life you would know that it is nothing like it sounds. Not only is it an enormous waste of time and energy that could have been well spent lying around perhaps snoring, but it also kills creativity after a point! Nonetheless, there are always some moments that make up for all the time you spend writing those pedestrian and tasteless articles.

Now, it’s been very long since I left this business of content writing, but a call from a friend of mine this afternoon made me a take a detour from my otherwise lazy afternoon that would have been spent playing a computer game. Since my friend was busy, I agreed to help him out by writing two pieces for him. The topic of one of the article was “Top 10 things one can do in Paris” and I was asked to write an original article of 500 plus words.

It is very difficult for me to write on such a topic, because my experience with Paris is only limited to the Plaster of Paris cast that I had to wear when I fractured my right leg! So I had to depend on the Internet for my research and I wondered how could I ever write anything original by referring to already existing articles!

In spite of that obstacle, I did manage to churn out a mammoth piece of 1374 words! But it gave me an idea of some of the things I would love to do… or rather I want to but would not! So here they are:

#1

Get drunk on French Red Wine, White Wine and Champagne and when I say drunk I mean drunk as a pig so you end up puking all over the lovely place called Paris. Now, this is a situation that I am quite familiar with, as I got sloshed on red wine once and ended up waking up next morning without any memory and looking like a body stabbed brutally, thanks to all the red colored puke that stained my shirt blood red! So folks… bring forth your favorite Bordeaux!

#2

Go to a French man say “blaa blaa bleu bleu blaa.” If you have seen Friends, you will remember Joey trying to learn French from Phoebe. And however hard she tried, she could never get him to say “Je m’appelle.” Whatever he said sounded like a dentate gibberish like some oldies sound when they have lost their dentures! And although I have studied French for a year, I have to say that it still sounds like an eloquent whisper to me!

#3

While going through my research I found out that the Great Notre Dame de Paris Cathedral has got 9 bells in it and they all have names!!! NAMES!! SERIOUSLY!!! I was reminded of Enrique singing, “Ring my bells... Ring my bells” which always sounds hilarious if you ask me! Imagine the same thing in Hindi… a guy comes up and says “Mera Ghanta Bhajao!!!” Thanks to the French, I now wanna go to Paris and Ring the bells of Emanuel, Gabriel, Denis, Marcel, Benoit-Joseph and Maurice… or rather ring the men themselves! The remaining names being names of girls – Marie, Anne Genevieve, Etienne and Jean-Marie, which makes my wonder. “why female bells??”

***ooohh! Let me apologize right now for hurting any so called religious sentiments by ringing some man bells! ***

#4

Visit one of the many art galleries in Paris and attend lectures by artists and shout “Oui Oui” (Oui : Yes in Fench) after every word spoken by the artist. For some obscure reason, I could never understand how to pronounce that one word! Is it supposed to be: W-aa… or is it: W-ee? Either way, if you say it loud in the Desi-English accent, it will either sounding as if you are yapping like a crow or you are squealing like a drunk kid!

#5

And I love this one… More than often, I have found myself drawing moustaches on pictures of celebrities published in the newspaper. What could be more horrifying and equally impish… and oh so delightful to the devil… if I could go and draw a nice pair of handle-bar moustache on the most famous portrait of all times… The Mona Lisa! Or since she is protected behind a few inch of bulletproof glass, I will just draw it over the glass with a nice thick, black marker!

#6

And this one is rather distasteful… How about skydiving off the most visited monument in the world – the Eiffel Tower! Now I am wondering what are the chances of the parachute getting entangled in the iron framework, leaving me dangling in the air?

#7

The French are highly polite and gentle souls and they are so adorable when they get angry! All red in face blasting off abuses that would still sound like whispers! So I  amwondering, would it still be funny if I go watch Pink Panther in Paris with a crowd of French people? I can certainly try saying “I waouuuld laaike twa bwawoy a hambwahwah,” (I would like to buy a hamburger, for those who did not understand) and who knows? I might actually be successful to buy a hamburger while in Paris!

All this… I will think of doing if I ever get to Paris… because as the great actor Steve Martin once said… “Fwance is Fwance!” And because I love it when French pronounce Paris is Parie!

Vive La Français!